


you hold my world together

by keumsang



Series: fireworks in my head [2]
Category: JBJ (Band), MXM (Band), Produce 101 (TV), Wanna One (Band)
Genre: M/M, college AU?, minor 2park tho, plus minor bnm4, so there's a lot of minor characters so im not listing everyone, will probably add more tags as i go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-10-19
Updated: 2019-02-04
Packaged: 2019-08-04 08:57:44
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 12,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16343783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/keumsang/pseuds/keumsang
Summary: So what does Kim Donghan do after he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, realizing he probably just fucked Love? In Love’s room? Probably on Love’s bed? With Love’s limbs tangled around his body, and they’re currently spooning at five in the morning?a. Continue what he’s doing (when else will he get this chance again?)b. Run away from this dorm room and never come backc. Call a friend (namely Kim Taedong) and stress eat





	1. phase zero

**Author's Note:**

> hello~ this is the 2dong part to 'fireworks in my head' and ! im going to warn yall now that i might have slow updates But istg im really going to finish this because 2dong is so precious :<

Donghan’s world crashes down on him every single time he tries to piece himself back up, and frankly, it’s becoming depressing and already a little frustrating. Perhaps it’s why he goes out too much, drinks too much, flirts too much, fucks around too much. Maybe it’s also why he does such stupid things, like going out with his roommate Jihoon to Jihoon’s boyfriend Woojin’s party and unexpectedly (well, maybe, it wasn’t _that_ unexpected) meeting Love.

Love, an old friend.

Love still is as beautiful as ever.

What _is_ unexpected, though, is the fact that Love is stumbling over towards him, already quite tipsy according to the way he's walking. See, Donghan hasn't talked to him in quite a while, and Love hadn’t really made any effort to keep in touch with him, as well. Donghan watches Love stumble closer, thinking that the other resembles a bee being attracted to flowers, and stands there as stiff and awkward as a pole even when Love throws his arms around Donghan.

Frankly, it’s terrifying how the whole room, or perhaps it’s just Donghan’s world that did, literally fell quiet when Donghan’s lips (maybe, unintentionally) land on Love’s cheek, and all he can about is how his face is so hot and he wants to melt into a puddle right there on the dorm room floor. He’s pretty sure someone (was it Jihoon? Woojin?) was just yelling earlier. Donghan’s lips leave Love’s cheek a millisecond later, and Donghan feels like someone just turned the world’s volume back on the highest level. (Did he really just kiss Love? At this party? Where Love’s probably-boyfriend is at?)

Yes, perhaps it was just Donghan’s world that went silent. His world has a weird way of tuning in and out of sound when it comes to Love.

Love, in all his forms, is named and looks exactly like a Kim Donghyun.

 

 

-

 

 

Donghan wakes up with his nose in a head of soft brown hair and his arm tossed over a waist and legs tangled with another person’s and it feels much too comfortable and domestic for a usual fling. He doesn’t have the usual after party hangover, but instead, there’s a weird taste in his mouth that makes him feel like he wants to throw up, run away, or both.

Oh, and he’s naked, too. So is this person with soft brown hair and warm skin and soft breathing.  Jihoon would punch him to Mars if Donghan ever went near his boyfriend, and Love’s roommate has wider shoulders than Love does. Which leads to Donghan concluding that this should be….

 _Well, fuck._ This is Love. And they’re _spooning_.

So what does Kim Donghan do after he wakes up in the wee hours of the morning, realizing he probably just fucked Love? In Love’s room? Probably on Love’s bed? With Love’s limbs tangled around his body, and they’re currently spooning at five in the morning?

  1. Continue what he’s doing (when else will he get this chance again?)
  2. Run away from this dorm room and never come back
  3. Call a friend (namely Kim Taedong) and stress eat



Deciding on the last choice and deciding from the fear of waking Love up, Donghan slowly untangles himself from Love. Love whines like a small baby when Donghan pulls away, and Donghan’s tempted to wrap Love back in his arms and lie with him there forever, but he currently feels terrible and probably _looks_ terrible, and so he pads over to wherever the bathroom is. He’ll wash his face and _then_ run away from this dorm room.

Later on, Donghan will live to tell the tale of how he fucked with Love, and leave out the part of how he tripped on Love’s roommate because aforementioned roommate was sleeping in the bathroom.

(What kind of idiot does that, honestly? Of all places to crash in, why would _any_ person choose the bathroom?)

When Donghan meets up with Kim Taedong at seven in the morning later on, he’s shoveling rice and kimchi in his mouth at an ‘ _alarming rate_ ’ (according to Taedong).

Taedong is only obnoxiously laughing at Donghan’s misery and tells him that all this should have happened much earlier into their college life: “Han, you’ve been in love with the dude for what? Five years now? From how fast you fuck and forget, I’m surprised it’s took you so long to get the guy you’ve been pining over since high school.”

Donghan concludes that Taedong isn’t gay so he doesn’t understand what it feels to be in Donghan’s shoes: to be hugged and treated like a ‘ _bro’_ and to be friendzoned every single moment he tried confessing in high school. Therefore, he has no right to say that about Donghan’s five-year pining. Donghan voices that out loud, and Taedong only laughs louder, his voice echoing within the walls of the silent dormitory cafe that they’re sitting in.

“Am I really only hear to listen to you mope? Do my opinions not matter?” Taedong’s tone is still teasing.

Donghan shoves another large spoonful of rice and kimchi in his mouth. “You’re not gay, therefore, your outlooks on my love life do not apply to me.” Donghan’s kimchi bowl is empty and Taedong immediately reaches over to take it, standing up from his seat and walking over to the big container near all the plates to fill it up for him.

Taedong slips back down in his seat, setting down the bowl as well, and Donghan reaches for another spoonful. “I may not be gay, but I am your best friend who gets you kimchi when you run out and wakes up at seven in the morning to listen to you because you need me. Don’t I deserve a little appreciation over here?”

Donghan shrugs passively, but his brain is running miles and internally answering Taedong. Taedong does deserve appreciation (a lot of it), but not from someone like Donghan who lives on attacking his friends and constantly teasing them and getting mad when they tease him back.

Donghan swallows his mouthful, “Of course you do. You feed me when I’m hungry. I have to thank you for that, or else Jihoon would have burned down our tiny room long ago and I would have been starved. His boyfriend is useless when it comes to food. I’m surprised Jihoon’s still with him.”

Taedong frowns, “Don’t be mean to Woojin.”

Donghan gives him an obnoxious eye roll. Woojin’s awkward and doesn’t talk to Donghan. He really has no opinions except that Woojin doesn’t seem to know how to cook which makes him not fit for Jihoon who loves to eat as much as Donghan does.

Taedong only watches Donghan shovel more food into his mouth for a while, and when Donghan stands up to wash his used dishes in the sink, Taedong stands up as well. Taedong follows him to the sink and leans against it as Donghan washes his used utensils, unspeaking until the moment Donghan puts the dishes in the dryer.

What Taedong says is clipped and firm, and Donghan pretends to promise to do what Taedong tells him to do.

“Talk to him, okay? Give him a call in the afternoon.”

When the afternoon comes, Donghan spends his whole day in his dorm room, lying on the sofa with his legs propped up on the armrest and staring at the ceiling, phone on silent mode and almost falling out of his hand. Jihoon comes in at around three o’clock with messy hair, shirt on the wrong way and sneakers worn like slippers, takes one look at Donghan and says, “You look dead inside.”

“You look like you’ve died and resurrected.”

Jihoon blanks. “Daehwi was looking for you. He was asking where you went and why you left so early when you could have had brunch out with us this morning.”

  
“What a sweet kid.” Daehwi really is a sweetheart. Donghan hasn’t had lunch yet, but he’s honestly not in the mood to eat at the moment so he says, “Tell him the thought is appreciated.”

Jihoon doesn’t make any indication he heard what Donghan said and continues speaking. “Woojin was also really curious about what happened to you last night, though. You just disappeared with D-”

Donghan’s brain alerts him on where this is going, and his mouth works faster than his head. Maybe his mouth works a little too loudly and a little too harshly, too. (It’s not like he regrets what he says to Jihoon, though.)

“Shouldn’t you be taking a bath, Jihoon? You stink. I can smell your breath from all the way here.”

Donghan’s pretty sure Jihoon glared at him, stalked into his room, and slammed the door behind him as he went. Good riddance.

 

 

-

 

 

The leader of the thesis dance group (which Donghan joined for extra credit) Roh Taehyun locks the door and gives them all showcase guest tickets at their first practice after Donghan’s fuck-up with Love, and Donghan thinks that if he’s going to die at the hands of dancing and determination, he might as well have fucked the love of his life already, right?

Taehyun ignores Donghan when he asks if the door is really locked. Donghan doesn’t bother to ask further and  turns around to the rest of their little group, raising his tickets up high.

“Anyway, someone can take my tickets. I don't need them."

Huang Justin immediately walks up, long legs clad in sweatpants and his long-sleeved arm raised as if they’re in class. He smiles, “Can I have one? I want to give one to my friend from my Korean academy."

Donghan unhesitatingly, willingly hands the tickets over, giving both to Justin, “You can take both.”

But of course, Taedong is there, as well, and Donghan hears Taedong speak up from behind him, from wherever he’s at.

"You should keep one."

Justin, sweet and young Justin who’s yet to experience the gayness and stupidity of human existence at his young age, gapes at Donghan with confusion on what to do. (Well, it’s not Justin’s fault he doesn’t know Donghan’s current situation, but it’s not like Donghan has any plan to tell him.) Donghan pushes the tickets in his hands, forcing Justin to take them and completely ignoring Taedong. "Nope, nope, Justin, you can take both of them."

"I only need one, though." Justin hasn’t taken any ticket from Donghan’s hands, and Donghan can already see Lee Junwoo jogging over to his backpack to put them inside.

Donghan focuses back on the younger and insists. "And I'm telling you that you can take _both_! How nice would that be? You can invite _more_ of your friends-"

But then Taedong materializes at his side and suddenly plucks only one ticket out of Donghan's hands and gives it over to Justin with a hiss in Donghan’s direction."You need to at least invite him, bitch. Suck it up."

Donghan’s mouth closes into a thin line; Taedong glares at him before stalking over to put his tickets inside his bag.  

Donghan rolls his eyes at Taedong’s back, and Justin looks at him cautiously.

“Are you sure I can take this one? What if you’ll suddenly need two?”

Donghan shoves the ticket in Justin’s hands, waves his hand passively and sighs, “I don't think that'll happen. Don't worry about that, just take the ticket.”

Justin gives him a wary nod before walking off to put his (now three) tickets in his bag, and Donghan just shoves his ticket in his pocket. He’ll give it to someone else later on. Someone he sits next to in class, maybe. The ghost of the cockroach under Jihoon’s bed which Jihoon slapped with his slipper, maybe. Donghan's dead ancestor, maybe.

Taehyun finishes giving out the tickets and waits for them to form a line like they always do before clapping his hands to capture all their attentions, "Junwoo, you go first. We're going one on one today."

With that, Donghan sits over in the corner of the studio and pulls his knees to his chest. Unfortunately, for him, Taedong follows and sits right down beside him. “Have you called him? You were really quiet on chat yesterday.”

“I.” Donghan says shortly, pausing before continuing with a lie said from in between gritted teeth. “Yes, I did. He was busy and had no time to talk.”

“Well, talking to him would have only taken a minute.”

Donghan side-eyes Taedong, his voice dropping to a low whisper in fear that Justin, sitting few meters away, or Sungwoo, dancing away, could hear. “Confessing a crush of five years does not simply take a minute.”

Taedong’s voice drops as well. “You could make it as short as you want if you wanted to. No one’s stopping you.”

Indeed, Taedong doesn’t know what it’s like to be in Donghan’s shoes.

Donghan sucks in a deep breath, and out of the corner of his eye, he can see Taehyun look over at them for a split second. Donghan heaves another, quieter sigh. “We haven’t had a proper conversation in years. How can I just-”

“Time to start a new conversation, Donghan. Besides, it’s not your fault you two had a falling out.”

Taedong is as nonchalant as ever, and despite Donghan knowing that he’s sincerely trying to help (he’s not really all that good at advice for these kinds of matters honestly, but he tries), he can’t help but feel some sort of bad emotion bubbling in his chest. He doesn’t know what it is, but the presence of the emotion makes him close his eyes and block everything out.

“Look.” Taedong then speaks up after a while of silence aside from the pop song playing from the speakers. Donghan cracks open his eyes, “Just give him your ticket. Use it to start a conversation. Ask him how he’s been doing for the past few years. Be friends with him again. Nothing’s going to happen if you don’t try doing something. Anything can work. Small things can go a long way, you know.”

“I know. He hit me in the face with a basketball and I fell in love at first sight, don’t you think I already _know_ that the little things can make so much happen?” Donghan abruptly inhales a sharp breath. Taedong’s opening his mouth to say something when Taehyun suddenly claps his hands and calls over Sungwoo, telling Junwoo he did well.

Donghan bites his lips and pushes himself up from the floor, striding towards the door and letting himself out before he can say anything more while Junwoo’s around. The door slams shut behind Donghan’s figure, and he can almost hear Taehyun’s voice asking about him. He breaks into a run and turns the first corner, pushing straight inside the men’s toilet.

He’s silently hoping no one will come running after him, that no one saw him come inside, but the door creaks open approximately ten seconds after Donghan’s run in and locked himself inside a stall, and his heart drops to his stomach. He can hear the footsteps, but there’s no voice calling out for him. Maybe no one came after him and it’s just some random dude who’s taking a piss.

Donghan, as stealthily as he can, stands up on the toilet seat to take a peek at what’s happening outside the cubicle. As weird as he may look at the moment for peeking out of the cubicle, a smile makes its way on his face when the back of the guy standing near the mirror and fixing his hair looks nothing like Taedong’s nor Junwoo’s nor Taehyun’s.

Strangely, though, it’s a familiar head of hair, and Donghan thinks that perhaps, he’d rather see Taedong or Junwoo or Taehyun.

A chill runs up Donghan’s spine when he suddenly recognizes the guy as Love’s roommate. They even lock gazes through the mirror, and Donghan’s eyes widen comically. It’s also right that moment when Taedong chooses to burst in the toilet, the door loudly slamming open. Donghan thinks he’s been caught in the weirdest position possible: peeking from inside a toilet cubicle like a weirdo.

When Donghan exits the cubicle he was standing in, Junwoo bursts in the toilet as well, and Love’s roommate (named Im Youngmin) excuses himself from the toilet after merely dripping water droplets on his hair. Donghan then proceeds to sit himself, Taedong and Junwoo down on the floor when Junwoo worriedly asks him if he’s okay, and Donghan breaks into a story about him and Love.

The story brings Donghan to tears by the time he finishes.

He hates how Love makes him unnecessarily emotional.

 

 

-

 

 

The first time Donghan met Love, Love quite literally hit him square in the face with a basketball and Donghan’s ears had filled with the sounds of a high school gymnasium.

Donghan still thinks of that slam to the face as a symbolism for his own stupidity and a wakeup call to open his eyes and see the glorious face of Love. Love had walked up to him right after the class ended and Donghan was drinking water; Love had been wearing spectacles and apologized to Donghan for hitting his face.

Love, in all his sweat and heavy pants and apologies, was beautiful. In the noise of high school students chattering and whispering, Love had sounded beautiful, too.

Love was kind. Love had talked to Donghan and introduced himself and even invited him to eat lunch with him and another friend named Gwanghyun. Gwanghyun was much shyer than Love had been, and Gwanghyun had soon found other friends to hang out with, leaving both Donghan and Love alone.

Love was warm and had a smile and laughter that resembled whole suns. Love had electricity running up and down Donghan’s veins every time they touched, no matter how brief or light the encounter was, and Love, as friendly and kind and warm and outgoing as he was, never left Donghan’s side.

In the second and third years of loving Love, Donghan had become much more reckless, more touchy, more loud, more friendly. Meanwhile, Love had fallen a little out of place with Donghan’s group and had found his own new friends. Love found his own Love (who’s named Kim Shihyun; Donghan will never forget the name) and talked about him with stars in Love’s eyes, a twinkle that his eyes never really had with Donghan.

Love had said with a determined look in his eyes, _“I’m going to ask him out on a date.”_

But Donghan never had the heart to tell Love that the guy Love had his heart out on his sleeve for, was not like them in any way, and already had a girlfriend. Love looked much too happy and determined to steal a heart, and Donghan just liked seeing Love that way.

He’d just never managed to tell Love how he personally felt before Love had gotten his heart broken. Donghan’s also just really sorry he never told Love about what he knew about Kim Shihyun.

Donghan can never forget how Love had arrived at his house and stood on his porch on the last day of their senior year in high school, one week before graduating. Love’s eyes were sparkling, with tears not of happiness, and he had fallen into Donghan’s arms and into his embrace. It wasn’t the magical moment Donghan had ever imagined he would be sharing with Love, but it was a moment nonetheless, and Love needed him as a shoulder to cry on, as much as Donghan had needed Love around.

Love had been vulnerable and weak, and Donghan had kissed a teary Love right there on his house’s front porch, gathering up all his built up emotions and releasing them out in one wave. Donghan had kissed Love slowly and gently, because Love is the most precious, fragile thing in the world, and he didn’t want anyone shattering the spirit of his Love so harshly.

Donghan realized, then, that Love, as strong as he was to withstand everything he had been through, was glass. He was fragile and broke so easily, that Donghan had wanted to wrap something thick and warm around Love’s shoulders and keep him safe. Donghan wanted to give Love the same amount of kindness that Love had always treated him with, and the same amount of warmth that Love always had Donghan’s limbs tingling with.

To Donghan, Love deserved the world. Love deserved whole galaxies, whole constellations to his name.

But Love didn’t stay forever.

Love, upon receiving Donghan’s love, had become distant.

Sure, Love and Donghan still went to the same places, still stood in the same spots, still walked the same roads, but Love had never ever treated Donghan the same way after that one kiss the week before graduation. Love hadn’t even spared a glance in Donghan’s way, who had sincerely wanted to congratulate Love for them completing high school together. Love doesn’t even acknowledge Donghan’s existence anymore upon walking past each other in the college hallways in between classes.

Love had seemingly forgotten Donghan, but Donghan could never forget Love.

Even when Donghan had met Kim Taedong, who’s all smiles and twinkling passion. Even when Donghan had met Jeong Sewoon, who’s all kind calm actions and soft sweaters. Even when Donghan had met Park Jihoon, who’s all shining eyes and with a pure love for eating just like Donghan (but had quickly fallen out of Park Jihoon due to his violence despite the innocent face). Even when Donghan had met Roh Taehyun, who’s of short stature but filled to the brim with pure passion and determination.

Nothing, no one, had ever compared to Love, with his sunny smiles and gentle warmth and soft determination. No one had ever compared to Love, who’s stuck around for three whole years right by Donghan’s side before fading away into a mere high school memory. But Love is Love, and Donghan cherished Love with all his heart.

Donghan still does cherish Love, still cherishes Kim Donghyun with all his heart, all his soul.

But to Kim Donghyun, Donghan never seemed to look anything like Love.


	2. phase one

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> unbeta-ed

Donghan’s life has become a whirlwind of classes, practice and clinging to Jihoon too much to the extent that he doesn’t meet Taedong outside of practice. It’s not really all that hard because he and Jihoon are in the same major and attend mostly all the same classes, except for the fact that Jihoon is also taking a minor in theatre.

He may not be seeing Taedong often (because Taedong’s just a sophomore who somehow became his best friend since the day they met at Donghan’s first college party and prevented Donghan from puking his guts out), but Donghan does meet Park Woojin more often and seeing Park Woojin more often equals raising the possibility of seeing Love (and their other friends) around more.

Maybe he should have thought this out more and realized that Jihoon and his boyfriend are practically inseparable before he tagged along.

Donghan is currently walking with Jihoon over to one of the dance studios where his boyfriend is practicing at for a solo performance. Donghan knows for a fact that Jihoon goes down to the practice rooms even if it's late just to see and cheer up his boyfriend after a long day. It's honestly really sweet. Jihoon is wearing a gray hoodie with the hood on and his hands inside his pockets like he always does at night.

It's approximately eleven in the evening, and Donghan's gotten used to this walking around at late night, honestly. What he's not used to, though, is a small blond kid literally flying into Donghan’s embrace and nearly knocks the wind out of him.

Donghan takes a step back in surprise, the kid still clinging to him, “Oh my god, Donghan! Where did you go last Sunday morning?”

Ah, here's one out of Park Woojin’s group of friends. The small blond kid, Lee Daehwi, is a freshman, a musical and composition genius, so even if he's younger than many of them, he's talented. Donghan’s never going to tell him this, but he’s silently jealous of Daehwi’s talent and friendliness.

Donghan looks down at him as the kid pulls away, smiling cheerfully at this time of night. The smile is contagious, and Donghan can't help but smile back. "Oh, hi, Daehwi."

"Where were you?" Daehwi's lips form a pout and he puts his hands on his hips. Jihoon abruptly clears his throat and Daehwi glances over at Jihoon, a wide smile immediately replacing his pout as he retrieves his arms from around Donghan and throws them around Jihoon's neck, bouncing a little on the balls of his feet for extra cuteness effect. "Jihoonie, hello! You're here to pick up Woojin, right?"

"Yes, Daehwi," Jihoon says, a small smile pulling up at the left corner of his lip, "We both see each other here every time Woojin practices, and we're always both here to pick him up. This is no different from the usual days."

Daehwi laughs a soft tinkling laugh as he bounces over to Donghan once again, “It’s nice to see Donghan, though! I see Jihoonie often, but not Donghan! What a nice surprise!"

Donghan laughs as well, patting Daehwi lightly on the head, "Jihoon goes over to your room daily. I don't. I might see you more often from now on, though, if it makes you happy." Simply because Daehwi is a cute kid and he makes Donghan want to protect Daehwi and make him happy and smother him with love in that brotherly kind of way.

Daehwi lets out a little squeak and grins widely before looping his other arm through Jihoon's and tugs them in the direction of Woojin's practice room. Donghan can see the dancing form of Park Woojin through the glass door. Daehwi pushes inside first when the music comes to a stop and Woojin drops down to sit on the floor, reaching up to wipe at his sweat with the back of his arm.

Woojin looks over at them when they enter and raises his hand as greeting, snaggletooth peeking out as he smiles. “Oh, hey, Donghan’s here, too. Nice seeing you.”

“Hey, Woojin, aren’t you done yet? It’s late.” Jihoon’s voice rings clear in the room as he pushes past Donghan to get to his boyfriend, crouching by his side. Woojin glances over at Jihoon and makes a face.

“I haven’t gotten the routine down perfectly yet, though.”

Donghan unintentionally snorts, which Jihoon fortunately does not catch. Daehwi only gives Donghan and his snort a questioning look. Donghan briefly wonders if Woojin and Taehyun have met before because they’re similar in that practice-makes-perfect-so-practice-until-you-drop way.

Later on, Jihoon will somehow manage to force Woojin to stop practicing already and turn in for the night and within the next five minutes, Woojin’s things are packed and he’s changed into a new shirt because the one he was previously wearing was literally soaked with sweat. Donghan will swear to death that no, he was not peeking at Woojin’s back muscles when he was changing his shirt because Woojin is Jihoon’s boyfriend and Jihoon is Donghan’s roommate.

While Donghan can be a self-proclaimed hoe sometimes, he’s definitely not going to start checking out his friends’ boyfriends.

Besides, Woojin isn’t so much of his type. Woojin’s like Taehyun, and while Taehyun and Woojin both have their good sides such as their passion and determination, it’s scary for Donghan to think that that same charming passion and determination may become not-so-charming if they overflow. (Donghan’s type is more like Donghyun, a softer version of Taehyun and Woojin, which is exactly why Donghyun became Love in the first place.)

“Donghan! We’re going to grab a bite to eat, are you coming?”

Donghan snaps himself out of his thoughts and blinks to look over at Daehwi when he hears the soft voice. Jihoon holds out a hand to pull Donghan up to his feet, and he takes it. Donghan stumbles a lot.

Daehwi laughs, “Jihoon was all about leaving you here already, you seem really spaced out all of a sudden.”

“I’m pretty sure he was watching Woojin change.” Jihoon laughs, “It’s typical Donghan behavior to ogle at good-looking guys.” Donghan manages to stand and balance himself properly on his two feet and glares at Jihoon.

“I was _not_ ogling.”

Jihoon shrugs, “Yeah, okay. Whatever you say.” Then he tosses his arm around Woojin’s shoulders and holds Woojin in a headlock while ruffling his hair, “Let’s go, then. I’m hungry.”

 

 

-

 

 

Phase one of Donghan’s picking himself up back up when his world crashes is entitled: Donghan Goes Out.

It’s not even that kind of Goes Out when he literally goes out and takes a walk and breathes in some fresh air to cleanse his soul or whatever. It’s that Goes Out when he talks deep sober (and maybe even cries a little), and his Goes Outs are probably some of the most embarrassing moments of his life. Especially now, since his Goes Out is with Lee Daehwi and Park Woojin who are connected to Love, also known as Kim Donghyun, very closely. They’re going to see Donghan talk deep about him and Love, without knowing that Love is actually their own roomma-

“Hey, Donghan, let’s be honest with each other here. You and Donghyun did something last time, didn’t you?”

Donghan blinks at Park Woojin through the dim lights of a Japanese noodle place, and Woojin lowers his head to shove a large mouthful of udon noodles in his mouth. Daehwi is sitting beside Donghan, and Jihoon is sitting beside Woojin. Daehwi is only sipping on a soda can with a straw, and Jihoon is occasionally stealing Woojin’s noodles. Donghan, on the other hand, has ordered a can of Coke, so he makes good use of mentioned Coke. He drinks instead of answering.

Jihoon lets out a cackle, leaning against Woojin’s shoulder and closing his eyes, “He’s avoiding the question.”

Donghan rolls his eyes at Jihoon before heaving a deep sigh.

“I honestly don’t know what happened with Donghyun, okay? As far as I know, all we did was slept.”

Daehwi sips a little too loudly on his soda, “Stop asking, Woojin, Donghyun was perfectly fine afterwards except for, well, the fact that he had a huge hangover.”

Woojin slurps his noodles and chews, putting down his chopsticks. Jihoon opens his eyes right at that moment and steals another mouthful of Woojin’s noodles. Woojin tilts his head at Daehwi, folds his hands on the table in front of them. “We all know that Donghyun doesn’t drink that much unless something came up. Donghyun doesn’t drink even if he’s stressed. He didn’t drink when his brother got admitted to the hospital, but he drank,” Woojin then shifts his stare to Donghan, “when Jihoon arrived and mentioned that a certain Kim Donghan came with him. I was there. He downed a whole shot of whiskey in one go.”

Jihoon says through a mouthful of noodles. “Hugged Donghan, too, when he first saw Donghan there. I remember Youngmin being pissed for a moment when he did.”

Woojin makes a gesture as if he’s saying ‘ _see all the evidence?_ ’ before reaching for his udon bowl. Donghan purses his lips, chewing on their for a while as he can hear Daehwi sipping too loudly on his soda again. Woojin asks again, “So, what’s the deal?”

“Donghyun was drunk. That’s probably the only reason why he hugged me, and it was just a hug.”

Donghan only feels half bad for lying so shamelessly towards Jihoon, Woojin and Daehwi when he’s half-positive that Donghan did not only kiss Donghyun’s cheek but maybe other places as well. (He’s going to pretend no one saw him kiss Donghyun; it was only a second anyway.) As embarrassing as it is to talk about as well, he’s dreamt about what that moment would feel like and he’s admittedly woken up once or twice in the middle of the night just to take ice-cold showers. He’s never mentioned any of these to Jihoon, and so Jihoon always calls him crazy when he wakes up and sees Donghan sitting on his bed with wet hair at fuck o’clock in the morning. He just doesn’t think he can tell this to Jihoon so easily either when Jihoon’s so closely connected to the people around Love. He’s not going to risk having Love find out that Donghan’s still nursing those feelings even after so long.

Jihoon suddenly asks, voice sharp and gaze calculating, “Didn’t you kiss him, though?”

Donghan’s throat suddenly goes dry and he reaches for his soda again to take a long sip before saying in a really small voice, “It was only on the cheek, and it lasted one second only. It wasn’t much.”

Jihoon leans back against his seat, this weird satisfied smile on his face. Daehwi’s eyes are wide and he’s exclaiming how he didn’t notice that happening, never forgetting to ask Donghan for more details, and it’s not like Donghan can just deny him that information. It was pretty stupid of Donghan to admit the cheek kiss in the first place, anyway.

Thus, Donghan’s Going Out for the day doesn’t go as planned, simply because of the people he’s went out with and because Jihoon, once again, had become the devil’s spawn.

 

 

-

 

 

Two in the morning.

Jihoon tosses his bag over to his bed, sits Donghan down, demands, “Tell me about you and Donghyun. If you don’t want to talk to Woojin and Daehwi about what happened after that sad cheek kiss, at least tell _me_. I don’t know what exactly there is between you and him but I know there’s something.”

Donghan looks up at Jihoon. He has his arms crossed over his chest. “No. You’re going to tell your boyfriend, and your boyfriend might tell Donghyun.”

“Woojin’s not that kind of person. He’s a little shit but I love that idiot and he knows what to share and what not to share with his roommates.” Jihoon pauses, “You know you just confirmed that there really is something between you two. Or at least, from your side.”

Donghan closes his eyes for a second, taking a deep breath. He shouldn’t have come out with Jihoon. Going out was a big mistake. He shouldn’t have said anything at all. Speaking was an even bigger mistake.

But if he’s already made the big mistake of saying something, then saying a little more won’t hurt, right?

Donghan exhales, “If what you’re looking for is confirmation, then yes, I’ll confirm that there is something coming from my side and that I’ve been in love with him for the past five years and counting.” Jihoon’s jaw drops open and his eyes widen more than they usually do. “Now, if you would excuse me, I want to go to bed.”

Jihoon doesn’t speak for a while. At least, he doesn’t speak until Donghan has gotten up and walked over to his drawers to take out his sleeping clothes. When Jihoon does say something, the tone of his voice is incredulous and he sounds surprised, fascinated almost. “Are you not going to tell me more? Five years? How?”

“High school.” Donghan says shortly. “Love hit me in the face with a basketball, and I admit that I’ve been in love since.”

Jihoon verbally winces, “That’s gotta hurt.”

“It doesn’t hurt more than being ignored since the end of high school, though. I’d take literal basketballs to the face if it means he won’t ignore me. Honestly, what the fuck did I do for him to hate me so suddenly?”

When Jihoon doesn’t say anything more, Donghan closes his drawers shut and grabs his face towel before walking into the bathroom with his fresh clothes. When we comes back fully washed and changed, Jihoon’s sitting on the edge of his bed and Donghan frowns at him.

“Go get your own bed, would you?”

“Tell me more about you and Donghyun. Don’t you trust me?”

“I don’t trust you to not tell your boyfriend.” Donghan repeats. “I know you. You tell him _everything_. If I tell you things that Donghyun doesn’t know, how are you going to promise me that none of it will ever reach Donghyun, huh?”

Honestly, it’s not like Jihoon to ever sound so desperate just to make Donghan talk, but he promises many (stupid) things. He promises on his relationship that nothing will reach Kim Donghyun or else he’ll break up with Woojin. It’s a little too far fetched for Jihoon to actually break up with his boyfriend over Donghan’s love life, but Jihoon is already looking a little too pleading and is even playing the ‘ _If you can’t trust me, who can you trust?_ ’ card.

Well, Donghan can trust Taedong and Junwoo, but with Jihoon sounding so pleading and desperate, Donghan should at least give him a little info, yeah? Jihoon is his roommate and has been his friend for the past year, and Donghan knows that Jihoon is a good guy in heart even if he’s occasionally violent and two-faced as the devil’s spawn.

Donghan’s Going Out phase of post world crashing may not have gone successfully earlier, but the Donghan Goes Out phase shifts into an Donghan Opens Up to Jihoon phase. Donghan’s not exactly sure if he wants that to be a permanent addition to his list of phases, but he’ll be honest to say that he admittedly does feel a little better after opening up to Jihoon.

 

 

-

 

 

Dancing has always been an outlet for Donghan to release all his pent up emotions, and dance classes first thing in the morning has always been one of his favorite ways to let out whatever stress and dramatic emotion he feels. He has the class with Jihoon, and Jihoon has been relatively quiet since five hours earlier when Donghan was talked about Love.

Choi Yoojung and Yeo Hwanwoong are in the same small circle as Donghan when they stretch and they’re chatty enough amongst each other that Donghan doesn’t have to talk. Hwanwoong and Yoojung talk enough for their little stretching circle. When Teacher Hong calls them to sit in front of the mirrors, Hwanwoong is suddenly whispering to Donghan about this dance activity a friend of his has to do. Unfortunately, for Hwanwoong, Donghan has already zoned out of the conversation.

Teacher Hong announces that it’s nearing the end of term, that they’ll have a final dance output (to be announced on the next meeting itself) just within their class during the next meeting which won’t be graded too critically or harshly since summer is around the corner and all their actual requirements are already completed, anyway. Then, he announces that he has a meeting to attend to somewhere else, and that he’s leaving the class dismissed.

Thus, everyone leaves the room, including Donghan who takes his time unlike Jihoon and Woojin who immediately pack all their stuff and sling their bags over their shoulder. Donghan was just deciding to leave and get some coffee on his own or something when the pair of Park Jihoon and Park Woojin just suddenly walk up to him and drag Donghan up to stand by his arms.

This, whatever this will be, is not going to go well.

Donghan unwillingly lets himself be dragged out of the room, down the stairs and in an empty lecture hall by two equally strong college students and is thrown like a rag doll on the platform where lecturers walk around on. It’s terrible. It gets even more terrible when Woojin opens his mouth and just hollers to the seemingly empty lecture hall, “Youngmin, wake up, I know your class is over already!”

A certain Im Youngmin just suddenly materializes from behind the row of seats near the very back of the room, hair tousled and hand scratching at his head. Woojin cackles loudly; Jihoon snorts. Donghan’s just too shocked and also confused on what’s happening.

Meanwhile, a groggy just-woken-up Im Youngmin also seems to be confused and says the exact question that’s on Donghan’s mind at the moment: “What’s happening?”

Woojin laughs again and calls out, “We need you to leave, Youngmin. We’re going to have an intervention.”

Youngmin groans but pushes himself to his feet, anyway. The far distance between where Donghan’s sitting and where Youngmin’s standing makes the other guy look even taller. Youngmin rubs at his eyes, “Why don’t _you_ leave? I was here _first_.”

But by that, Donghan’s already pushing past Woojin and Jihoon and trying to leave (if only Jihoon didn’t trip him when he was standing up.) Donghan manages to croak out, “I can leave, though! You can stay and sleep!”

Youngmin chuckles as he gathers his things from the ground and dusts himself off, “It’s okay. I have a class in a bit, anyway, you kids can stay here.” Youngmin then exits the hall with a smile and Donghan doesn’t think he’ll ever be able to resent Youngmin in the case that he’s really Donghyun’s boyfriend. At the very least, they could be just friends who really care about each other, but there’s just something about how Youngmin acts around Donghyun that makes Donghan confused about a lot of things: Youngmin acts very overprotective, very kind, very gentle, very soft around Donghyun. It’s not like he’s nice to other people, but it’s just more than a little obvious that Youngmin is fonder for Donghyun than he is for other people.

Woojin then crouches down in front of Donghan, grinning with his snaggletooth peeking out.

Donghan heaves a sigh, “Let me go, you demons.”

“No.” Woojin grins wider. “Jihoon told me about you and Donghyun.”

Jihoon cuts in before Donghan can do anything aside from glaring, “Look, you need help. Woojin probably isn’t the best at this, but he’ll be of help somehow.”

Donghan hisses through gritted teeth, “You swore not to let Donghyun know.”

“And I _won’t_ let Donghyun know.” Woojin immediately promises, “Because _you_ will talk to him yourself. You of all people know that he’s a nice guy, he won’t hate you or anything for liking him. Nothing would change.”

Donghan only raises his eyebrows at that statement. Obviously, Jihoon hadn’t told Woojin completely everything because if Jihoon had mentioned every single detail, Woojin would know that something, in fact, did change after Donghan kissed Donghyun then. Well, it wasn’t like all their years of friendship went down the drain then, but it’s still some sort of change and Donghan thinks he’d ever want to return to that state of life.

He doesn’t mention it, though. He decides that he totally doesn’t need an intervention, and especially not from these two.

When Donghan receives a text approximately one minute later, though, he puts his phone down, motions Woojin and Jihoon to come over, and asks for advice. Jihoon interprets it as Donghan asking for a badly needed intervention when Donghan suddenly starts tearing up because of the text message.

**hey, idk if you have my number or not but this is donghyun and uh can we talk sometime soon? i think a talk is really necessary rn, han**

Donghan hasn’t been called _‘Han’_ by Donghyun since way before high graduation. It brings back a lot of memories. Suddenly teary-eyed and blinking fast, Donghan replies to the message and maybe doesn’t really think much before he taps send because he suddenly drops his phone.

**im free at dinnertime, if thats ok with u. see u at the cafeteria? lets get dinner together?**

Donghan’s not really going to be free at dinnertime, though. He’s already planning how to get out of the dinner meeting with Donghyun. Fake a stomachache, maybe? Pretend he’s choked himself to death with his blanket? Hide in a convenience store then text everyone he knows that he’s died while pretending to be an emergency medic?

Donghyun replies later on: **yeah, thatd be great. see you then**

Jihoon plucks the phone out of Donghan/s hand and tucks it in his pocket, deciding that it’s time for a serious intervention that night. He holds out a hand to pull Donghan up from where he’s at, and Donghan stumbles to his feet and bumps hard into Woojin’s shoulder.

Woojin only pats Donghan’s arm and murmurs, “It’ll be okay.”

It gives Donghan little comfort, but it’s comfort and Donghan appreciates it all the same. Woojin can’t cook, but maybe he’s not so bad as a person.

 

 

-

 

 

Donghan’s been too caught up with and tired of Love and schoolwork for the past n days that when Taehyun randomly messages their team chat in the middle of the day with a request to come out shopping for showcase outfits, Donghan literally packs up all his things, ignores Jihoon calling after him (asking where Donghan’s going) and comes out to the campus gate to meet Taehyun.

The first thing Taehyun says to him is a “ _you look terrible_ ” followed by a “ _do you not sleep_ ” and at this point, Donghan is too tired to do anything but glare at Taehyun. Fortunately, Taehyun doesn’t make any more additional comments and starts walking.

Donghan casually tosses his arm around Taehyun’s shoulder, “For your information, Taehyun, of course I sleep/” He doesn’t mention the fact that he doesn’t get to sleep much because he’s too preoccupied thinking of Love recently. As they start down the sidewalk, Donghan adds, “What are we supposed to be looking for today? Any specific style you’re looking for?”

Later on, Donghan and Taehyun will realize that they can’t really shop for clothes when there’s only two of them and don’t know what clothes would fit the other guys. They end up in sitting in a coffee shop after deciding that monotone colors should be easy enough to work with for the performance and that everyone can just buy and or use their own clothes for the performance as long as they all match.

Taehyun orders an iced latte, and Donghan gets a chocolate frappe. When they sit inside the cafe and Donghan gets their drinks for them, Donghan decides that he’s going to take this chance to destress and stop thinking about Love for a while.

But, of course, Taehyun, being the awkward nice guy he is, has to ask, “I hope you’re doing better emotionally, Donghan?”

Donghan swallows a large mouthful of drink. Gives Taehyun a small smile. He’s not really okay, but he says, “Yeah, much better than the first time.”

Anything’s better than the first time, anyway. What can be worse than storming out of practice and breaking down in the middle of the toilet? Yeah. He’s doing better emotionally on the physical, but at the same time, nah, he’s not really doing all that well, either.

Taehyun then takes a long sip from his latte before clearing his throat. “Do you want to talk about it? I’m just worried about you.” Again, Taehyun’s a nice guy, and Donghan may or may not actually be willing to talk about Love to Taehyun, but he’s not so sure how to open up the topic and how to properly explain the situation.

Donghan shakes his head and gives a lame no, “It’s alright. I don’t want to bother you, Taehyun. It’s my problems, after all.”

Taehyun chuckles and leans back in his chair, “Honestly, though, it looks like I’m bothering you by asking you to come out and shop with me when we didn’t even get to buy anything because it’s just the two of us. If you want, you can let out some of your thoughts here.” He pauses for a second before adding, “We might not talk much in practice, but I’m here if you ever need someone to talk to.”

As much as Donghan thinks Taehyun would give much better advice than Woojin and Jihoon may ever give him, he’s also sort of reluctant to say anything. The more people who know, the higher chances word gets out. Donghan’s obviously gay, but if word gets out, he thinks he’d very much like to bury himself underneath the ground alive.

Donghan chuckles as well, the sound sounding really awkward and too obviously fake that Taehyun tilts his head. “It’s just some stupid problems, I’m fine.” Donghan gives a smile he hopes is not as awkward as his previous laugh, “I’m fine, really.”

Kim Donghan is _so_ not fine.

Taehyun only looks at him for a long time before he shrugs and doesn’t say anything more. Donghan is thankful for that.

 

 

-

 

 

Jihoon corners him in their dorm room when Donghan comes back at around five in the afternoon, and this time, he comes not with a Park Woojin, but with a Kim Taedong. To make things even weirder, they’re both wearing long white lab coats from only-god-knows-where and surgical face masks covering their mouths.

How lovely.

Jihoon tugs down his mask using one hand and gives Donghan a wide grin that makes Donghan feel suspicious immediately, “We’re your two friends who care about you and your happiness and well-being. We're here to help.”

To be honest, Jihoon’s faux-psychologist tone of voice doesn't really help Donghan at all, and it only makes Donghan wants to slap him upside the head.

Taedong only gives him a determined look as he walks to lock the door. “After taking part in our top of the notch, sky-high quality relationship counseling, you will finally be able to properly confess to the boy you've been pining over for the past few years now.”

Donghan’s face must have looked weird or something of that sort because Jihoon immediately walks over to his bed and tugs out a white plastic bag. “Here, catch,” Throws it to Donghan, “You can eat while we intervene in your love life.”

Donghan blanks, takes a chip bag out of the plastic bag and tugs open the packaging with his teeth, “You know I’m not going to take either of you seriously while you both wear that.”

Jihoon only throws the hem of his coat back so it flies and gives off a dramatic effect. Sighs. Theatre people really can’t get enough of the stage outfits and the dramatics.

“Well, you’ll have to take us seriously even if we’re wearing-” Jihoon air-quotes, “your so-called ‘ _ridiculous outfits’_ that are actually what trained professionals wear in their daily counseling.”

Needless to say, Donghan doesn’t take Park Jihoon seriously for the entire ‘intervention’. It’s not like they said anything else aside from “ _talk to him already_ ”, “ _tell him how you feel_ ”, and “ _don’t avoid him_ ” anyway. There’s really nothing new aside from Taedong squeezing his hand as Jihoon rambles on and on about the importance of communication in relationships, and the surprise that Donghan received when Taedong was all “ _just talk to him eventually, okay? You can’t avoid him forever,_ ” when Jihoon was being pushy, and that’s just Jihoon being Jihoon, really.

See, Donghan knows he can’t avoid Donghyun forever. He constantly sees him around, especially now that Park Woojin has been hanging around Donghan more often, and Woojin and Donghyun live together. Sooner or later, Donghan will have to talk to Donghyun. Sooner or later, he will be confronted about what happened that night. Sooner or later, Donghan will have to admit to Donghyun exactly what he feels and has been feeling for the past few years now.

He just doesn’t want the confrontation, the talk, the confession to come so soon. They’d have a lot to talk about then, and they’re things, they’re _feelings_ that Donghan honestly wants to keep buried and locked inside a heavy chest.

Donghan doesn’t think he’s all that good with handling feelings.


	3. phase two

Okay. Donghan may or may not have planned this phase early on in the afternoon. His usual list of phases for picking himself up back up when his world crashes is really a short one.

  1. Donghan Goes Out
  2. Donghan Forgets Everything That Happened
  3. Repeat Cycle



However, this time, Donghan's already reached a second phase and no, it is not entitled Donghan Forgets Everything That Happened. See, the change in phase content already started from the very first phase so maybe, he shouldn't have expected this whole series of phases to stay exactly the same.

This time, the second phase of Donghan's picking himself back up is entitled: Donghan Runs Away.

When Jihoon and Taedong leave the dorm room to go for dinner, Donghan lags behind with the excuse that he has to go to the bathroom first. In fact, he does go to the bathroom when Jihoon and Taedong leave the room, he just doesn’t follow them to the dining area of the dormitory. He sits on the covered toilet seat for a whole three and a half minutes until he deems it safe enough to run away because he knows that if he goes to the dining area, Kim Donghyun will be there and Donghan doesn't _want_ to talk now. Maybe in the next two years when they graduate and this whole situation and the whole ‘feelings’ thing finally blows over.

Turning off his phone and ducking as stealthily out of the building as he can, the first place Donghan runs to is the subway station nearest to the dorms. He takes the first train to a crowded area over on the other side of the river where he knows college kids like him definitely won't end up at on a Wednesday evening even if they're planning to get shitfaced drunk on expensive alcohol. Donghan briefly wonders on the train if he even has enough money to pay for the alcohol he'll be drinking, but he shrugs away the thoughts. He can find some drunk rich person to flirt with and have them pay for him, anyway; he's done it before, he's pretty sure he can do it again.

When he gets to the area, it's relatively early to start getting drunk and making out with strangers, but it's not too early. Donghan walks in the nightclub with as much confident swagger as he can and goes straight over to the bar. He peeks at their drinks (and miraculously manages not to outwardly wince at the numbers) and orders a shot of the cheapest drink he sees that he feels doesn't taste as absolutely disgusting to his taste buds as the next expensive alcohol.

As Donghan slips a bill over to the bartender, a figure suddenly perches on the seat right beside where Donghan is standing. He only spares the figure a half glance before doing a double take because _what the fuck_. Isn’t that a guy wearing a bright gold cheer skirt with matching golden eyeshadow that twinkles in the dim purple light whenever he blinks? And damn, he’s got really nice pale legs, as well, and Donghan may or may not be sexually physically attracted to this guy.

When Donghan's drink arrives, he’s full on staring at the guy, who is only casually swinging his really nice legs and sweetly smiling with closed lips  at Donghan. Honestly, Donghan isn’t really sure what to do in this situation. The guy is pretty, like _really_ pretty, his light brown fringe is even tied up into this little cute apple hair, he looks like a high school cheerleader even if he looks like he’s the same age as Donghan.

This guy is fucking pretty; Donghan wants to know his name and to dance with him.

Donghan takes his shot and swallows it all in one go before turning to the pretty guy sitting cross-legged beside him and smiling as charmingly as he can. The guy suddenly laughs out loud and hops off his seat. It makes Donghan feel a bit stupid for trying to charm this guy by smiling, but it doesn’t faze him and Donghan’s gay heart flutters when the pretty guy suddenly reaches over and takes Donghan’s hand to pull him over to one of the empty couches away from the bar. Donghan lets the guy drag him over, and the pretty guy’s golden skirt flutters behind him as he jogs, exposing how the guy wears tight black underwear that clings to his pale skin quite nicely. It’s sort of distracting, and Donghan almost crashes into some other guy while he stares.

“Sorry,” Donghan mutters under his breath, and the pretty guy glances back at him before letting out a loud tinkling laugh. Donghan also notices just then that the guy’s front teeth sort of looks like a bunny’s, and now he suddenly looks really cute as well instead of just pretty.

The guy doesn’t speak until he plops down on the couch, and he tucks his skirt underneath his legs. Donghan averts his gaze and sits down when the guy pats the space beside him, giving Donghan a sweet smile. “Come sit! What’s your name?” He blinks innocently (probably doing it intentionally to show off the sparkly makeup on his eyelids) and rests his chin on one hand, while putting his other hand on Donghan’s knee.

Donghan has to _stop_ staring, really. He clears his throat and tries to speak with a voice as stable and as suave as he can muster with such a pretty, innocently flirting guy in front of him.

“I’m Donghan. Kim Donghan.”

The guy smiles wider, giving Donghan a clear view of his adorable bunny teeth smile, “I’m Ahn Hyungseob.” A pause. Hyungseob’s tongue darts out to lick at his lips, “It’s my first time to see you around here. Did you come for the competition?”

Donghan tilts his head in confusion. He didn’t see anything written or posted about a competition on his way here or on his way inside the nightclub. What competition can even be held in a place as fancy as this? When he voices out his questions to Hyungseob, Hyungseob just stands and pats down his skirt before pointing towards a poster stuck on a post in the dark near where the toilets are.

“It’s a dance competition, but you have to dress up.” Hyungseob explains to him, “Then if you win, you get free drinks and entrance to this club for a whole month.”

“And you’re joining?”

Hyungseob nods proudly. “Yes. It's my fifth time joining! They hold this competition every month, see.”

Donghan cocks his eyebrow, “And you've won at all four times before?”

“What?” Hyungseob's eyes go round, “No! I've never really, like, won or anything.” A pause before he adds, “Yet. I'm hoping to finally win today.”

Hyungseob gives Donghan another smile; Donghan just stares, admiring the brightness of Hyungseob's smile, before he's broken out of his trance by someone repeatedly tapping on a microphone. Then before he knows it, there's a pair of soft lips lightly pressed against his jaw as Hyungseob taps Donghan's cheek and stands up to smoothen down his skirt and walk away. Donghan is then left alone staring at Hyungseob's back, as Hyungseob walks away from Donghan with a bit more of a dramatic flair in his step compared to before. Donghan watches as Hyungseob walks to where a group of people dressed just as dramatically and even more as he is, and Donghan realizes that the competition thing is about to start sometime soon

So, Donghan watches and almost immediately realizes that the competition is actually a drag competition. Personally, it's interesting for Donghan to watch since he's only seen drag once before, and it was by one of the people in his dance class a term ago.

When it's Hyungseob's turn to dance, Donghan can't help but think about how it was like in high school when he and Donghyun had to dance in feminine clothes like skirts and high heels for a talent show back in sophomore year because they didn't know how else to be creative and perform.

(He suddenly wonders if what he and Donghyun did then could be considered as drag, seeing as they just danced to this choreography they memorized from YouTube.)

Donghan continues to watch the way Hyungseob’s moves, and his previous thought gets chased away because what he and Donghyun did back then is in no way similar to whatever’s happening at this competition right now. When Hyungseob’s turn ends, Donghan is frozen amazed for some reason, and Donghan only unfreezes when Hyungseob comes back and throws his arms around Donghan, smiling and giggling because he's proud of himself and his performance. Donghan unintentionally thinks about the way Hyungseob's arms around him sort of feels like how his and Donghyun's hugs used to feel like.

Donghan also briefly wonders for a moment if Donghyun looked for him at the cafeteria before when he left. But that thought melts away when Hyungseob's lips press against his own again, and Donghan's hands automatically reach out to pull Hyungseob on his lap.

Maybe, just maybe, Donghan's running away phase turns out pretty okay.

 

 

-

 

 

Donghan stumbles into a fast food chain joint a few blocks away from the university dorms at three or four in the morning (he's not sure, his phone is dead) and orders himself a tall cup of icy soda to get rid of his headache. The icy cup comes as soon as he pays and he takes it with him as he sits down at a table booth by the corner. The place is empty aside from him, the guy at the counter, and a pair of teenage girls sitting over by the other side of the joint who seem to be poring over a pile of notes and textbooks. Donghan internally winces as he gulps his soda; he remembers his senior year of high school, as well. Just the vivid memory of the previous year gives him headaches.

He sets down his paper cup and fishes his dead phone out of his pocket to turn it on. Donghan braces himself for the incoming spam of missed calls and unread messages from his friends and – god forbid – Love which are most likely asking him where he's gone off to. He's positive they've left him messages, seeing how it's past midnight and he's already managed to avoid both dinner _and_ Kim Donghyun. His phone starts violently vibrating once it properly turns itself on, and Donghan heaves a sigh as he reaches over to quiet it down. He might have gotten himself drunk and almost laid, but he still has some shame left in him to shut his loud phone up.

After all, he’s already handled enough embarrassment for one night.

Donghan's starting to think that maybe, he shouldn't have done this running away phase because all it gave him was a whole lot of embarrassment even if fortunately, Hyungseob was nice to enough to pay for the rest of the drinks the both of them had, _and_ even Donghan’s cab back to where he needed to go. But still, it's embarrassing to not be able to get it up only then to find out that the guy you were just about to fuck is one of the richest kids in the area.

Looking back down at his phone, he scrolls past all the messages at the top and taps right on Donghyun's message. His heart sinks at the stream of messages and he regrets running away for the night.

**han, are you coming soon? im with woojin and daehwi and youngmin at the table by the corner**

**i already saw taedong and jihoon, where r u?**

**are you sick? are you not coming for dinner? should i go to you instead?**

**han….do u really dislike me that much now? where are you?**

**youre off somewhere drinking again. ok i get it.**

**lets talk sometime else. call me when you see this.**

It's almost four in the morning; Donghan shouldn't be calling anyone at this time of night, but his fingers automatically dial Donghyun's number and calls the other. Unfortunately but not unexpectedly, the call goes to Donghyun's voicemail and Donghan decides to leave a message.

“Uh, hey, Donghyun.” After this greeting, Donghan’s words suddenly die in his throat, and he doesn’t know how to continue speaking. He pauses for a while; it feels like a whole minute before he clears his throat and says a lame “I’m sorry for earlier.” Then he pauses again. What else should he say after running away and standing up Donghyun (and basically his friends) during dinner? Donghan eventually decides on: “Anyway, it’s late. I should go to sleep. Tell me when you’re free.” He pauses once more, thinking of something else to say, but it’s starting to become an awkward silence so he just clears his throat and ends with a “Good night.”

Donghan then ends the message, pockets his phone, finishes off his drink, stands up, walks over to the counter to pay for his drink, pockets the change, walks out the door. It’s late. He should go back.

It’s nearing five in the morning when Donghan reaches their dorm room. Park Jihoon is already half off of his bed, arms raised above his head and deep asleep, and Donghan is only slightly tempted to push Jihoon back on his bed in case he falls, so he leaves Jihoon be. He crawls on his bed, still fully clothed in the same clothes he’s been wearing all day, pulls his blanket over him and closes his eyes.

He wishes for sleep, but sleep doesn’t come to him.

But Jihoon still harshly shakes him awake the next morning, Donghan thinks he’s only slept for around two hours, but he has to go and get his ass in the shower because Jihoon looks like he’s going to break Donghan’s legs if he doesn’t wake up. Jihoon doesn’t even say anything, which makes it even more terrifying, so Donghan scrambles into the bathroom with his clothes and his towel.

When Donghan comes out of the shower around fifteen minutes later, Jihoon is sitting on his bed with his arms close and his lips pursed. Donghan warily walks over, because he has to fix his bed.

Before he can even open his mouth, though, Jihoon snaps at him, words sharp as ever. “Where the _fuck_ did you go?” Donghan blinks dumbly. “No, screw that. Why the fuck did you take off when you were supposed to fucking finally talk to Donghyun? He was really looking all around for you.”

Jihoon’s glaring at him, it’s sort of terrifying. Donghan says after a short pause, “I didn’t want to talk. That text was a mistake.”

But with his answer, Jihoon’s glare intensifies, if that’s even possible. Donghan’s pretty sure that if sharp glares could cut through cement blocks, Jihoon’s glare would have cut through a whole sidewalk. Jihoon then hisses, with gritted teeth, “So why the fuck did you tell him you were going to meet him when you’re just going to chicken out in the end and go hookup with some slut?”

Donghan, with pure intentions, informs him,“Hyungseob is not a slut.”

Unfortunately, Donghan’s pure intentions do not seem to counter Jihoon’s angry hissing very well. But really, Hyungseob was a genuinely nice guy who was nice enough to pay for the expensive shitty drinks Donghan drunk, and Donghan doesn’t want the guy’s image to be tainted.

Jihoon’s nose flares. “Call Donghyun. Apologize.” Then tosses over Donghan’s phone that magically materializes from nowhere. “I charged your phone for you. You better have had talked by _at least_ the end of the day.”

 

 

-

 

 

 _Of course_ Donghan hadn’t called Donghyun by the end of the day, nor the end of the week. Not with Taehyun filling up all their free hours by practicing and polishing the choreography with the showcase just around the corner.

There’s only less than a week left before the performance, and Taehyun’s been becoming more and more stressed by the hour. Junwoo and Sungwoo try to calm Taehyun down because at the rate Taehyun’s stress levels are rising, he’s going to end up stabbing someone with a plastic fork if anyone makes any sort of mistake. Frankly, while Donghan would like to be stabbed by Taehyun’s angry plastic fork to avoid Park Jihoon’s (probably more) terrifying anger.

Taehyun is shorter than Jihoon, and Taehyun doesn’t room with Donghan, making it easier to avoid death by angry college senior doing his thesis. (If Jihoon gets mad, he can try to murder Donghan in his sleep, see.)

Practice ends early despite Taehyun’s constant nitpicking at every single movement they do. Sungwoo has somehow managed to convince Taehyun to take a chill pill and to loosen up with a promise that he’s going to buy Taehyun some drinks. Taehyun had snapped about how he needs _practice_ and not drinks, but Sungwoo somehow ended up reaching a conclusion with Taehyun, so Donghan’s not going to meddle in that. He just prays for Sungwoo to not be stabbed by whatever Taehyun lays his hands on by the end of the night.

Donghan waits for everyone else to leave the studio room first so he’ll be the one to shut off the lights and wipe the mirrors. Usually, he’d force it on Justin alone, but he’s feeling kinder for a day, so he tells Justin to run along and get some rest while Donghan wipes the mirrors.

But of course, Taedong stays behind, hanging by the door like some sort of supervisor while Donghan grabs a rag.

Donghan wrinkles his nose in Taedong’s direction, “Did Jihoon send you to stay to nag me, too?”

Taedong shrugs.

“You’re my friend. Friends wait for each other before leaving.” A pause. “We need to talk anyway. I haven't seen you over the past few days.”

Donghan opens his mouth, but Taedong doesn’t even let him speak.

“Where did you go the other day? The day you were supposed to talk to Donghyun? Jihoon wouldn't tell me anything.”

There’s only the sound of Donghan wiping the mirrors for a moment and the sound of Donghan’s heels hitting the wooden floor when he finishes wiping one side. Donghan pushes his fringe back with his free hand before he talks.

“I went to Gangnam then.”

“And you ran out when me and Jihoon went to dinner and you said you were going to the bathroom?”

Donghan hums. Taedong takes it as a yes and scoffs, “Typical Kim Donghan. Stop running away like that. Jihoon was fuming when I saw him.”

A long silence falls between them until Donghan finishes wiping the mirrors clean. Donghan then walks past Taedong and out of the room to head over to the toilet so he can wash the rag he used. When he comes back, he puts the rag back in its place, packs all his things and slings his bag over his shoulder.

Once again, he walks over to Taedong, who reaches his arm in the studio to turn off the lights for him. Then, they head out together.

“Talk.”

Taedong immediately says as soon as they’re two footsteps away from the studio. Donghan raises his eyebrows.

“Huh?”

Taedong gives him an expressionless look and repeats, “Talk.” But this time, he adds, “What’s so bad about Kim Donghyun- no, sorry, I worded that wrongly- What’s so bad about your crush on Kim Donghyun that makes you not want to talk? It’s been days. Actually, it’s been whole years since you first started liking him. You fucked, you hooked up, whatever it was, you did _something_. Now, he’s asking to talk. Weren’t you looking forward to this moment, to getting to talk to him again? The chance is here now so why won’t you?”

“Taedong.” Donghan frowns. “Talking after a hookup is different from talking when you didn’t hookup. Obviously, Donghyun wants to talk about that night. I don’t want to talk about that night to Donghyun.” He stops, heaves a sigh. “And besides, he’s most likely dating.”

It must have sounded heartbreaking, because Taedong doesn’t say anything else.

Even later on when they get to eating dinner together and walking back to the dorms to get some rest for the day, Taedong doesn’t bring up the topic about Donghyun anymore. Donghan’s thankful. He’s so tired of talking about that certain subject. Even if Jihoon’s constantly hanging on him and nagging at him to talk to Donghyun, at least Taedong isn’t anymore. That’s something, right? Because really, it’s tiring for Donghan to talk about Donghyun every waking moment he has around his friends. He knows they’re trying to help, but it’s really none of their business. Whether Donghan wants to talk to Kim Donghyun or not, it’s really none of their business.

It’s just that even Donghan’s mind doesn’t let him stop thinking about Kim Donghyun in regards to the most mundane things, and while Donghan can physically run away to the other side of the river whenever the real Kim Donghyun is around, he can’t run away from his mind.

It’s frustrating, honestly. Even getting drunk doesn’t help him forget Kim Donghyun.


End file.
